Hold Still, Through Ingrid's Eyes
by karazy.katie
Summary: I love this one, but I keep having 2 correct it :/ if i still have mistakes please tell me! Make sure you read both chapters
1. Chapter 1

Ingrid pulled out her journal and looked through the pages. In the first ones, she was so happy, then slowly the entrees got sadder, and sadder, until it came to this last one she was about to write. It was to her best friend Caitlin.  
><strong> <em> Dear Caitlin<em>**, she wrote, slowly and carefully.  
><strong><em>This is a real letter. I hope you get this far but I won't be mad if you don't want to read any of it<em>**. Ingrid thought, _she probably won't read it. She probably won't think about me at all. She'll throw this journal, and with it all thoughts of me, into the trash can._  
><em><strong>this is what i want so don't be sad. you might be looking for a reason but there are no reasons. the sun stopped shining for me is all. the story is: i am sad. i am sad all the time and the sadness is so heavy that i can't get away from it. not ever. there used to be days when i thought i was okay, or at least i was going to be. <strong>_

It had been so long since Ingrid had been happy, so long that her mind had been carefree and light. Now even on her best days, when a tiny bit of happiness snuck in, there was a heavy cloud, smothering her.  
><em><strong> we'd be hanging out somewhere and everything would just fit in right and i would think "it will be okay if i can stay like this forever" but of course, nothing can stay just how it is forever.<strong>_  
>Ingrid stopped writing. For a moment, she imagined Caitlin reading this, maybe thinking it was her fault. This pained her, she didn't want to make Caitlin sad, make a dark cloud come over her, too. Then, Ingrid thought that Caitlin would probably be thinking it was for the best. She would nod her head, and put the book down, move on to a new book, a new life. Just in case, Ingrid added.<br>**_ I didn't want to hurt you or anybody so just please forget about me. just try. find yourself a better friend. i never laughed as hard as i laughed with you, but now not even the laughing feels good._**  
><strong><em>Love,<em>**  
><strong><em>Ingrid.<em>**

Ingrid read over her letter one more time. She would be leaving her journal under Caitlin's bed tonight. Maybe it would be so long before Caitlin found it, that she wouldn't even remember who Ingrid was.

She opened her front door and walked to Caitlin's house. It was the last time she would be coming here. The girls were studying for their Biology final. These Sophomore finals were definitely the hardest so far, normally Ingrid would be stressed out, but now there was no reason to worry. She wouldn't be taking the test at all. Ingrid really didn't want to study anymore, so she tried to start up a new conversation.  
>"I love this song," she said, putting her pencil down. Caitlin tried to keep going on studying, but Ingrid was distracting her too much to get anything done anyway, so Ingrid said,<p>

"Fuck Biology, let's plan our futures." Ingrid was just not going to spend her last night with her best friend studying Biology. She tried to make her voice light and casual, hoping Caitlin would agree. Caitlin rolled onto her back and looked at the ceiling, a small smile on her lips.

"Okay, you start."  
>"You start," What did Ingrid's future mean anyway? At least Caitlin had a future.<br>"I want to go somewhere far away for college," Caitlin declared.  
>"Like the East Coast?"<br>"Like Oregon or Montana."  
>"Do you want snow or ocean?"<br>"There's a glacier in Montana. I heard that all the glaciers in America are melting. They'll all be gone by the time we're old."  
>"So snow?"<br>"I don't know," Caitlin said, "I heard the Oregon Coast is amazing."  
>"So ocean?"<br>"I don't know. I guess I can't decide." Ingrid was a little disappointed. Caitlin had everything open to her, not just a dark cloud. Yet, she was so dis-interested. She did have time, though, something Ingrid didn't have. Caitlin had her whole life before her, she just didn't realize how lucky she was.  
>"What will you major in?"<br>"I have no idea," she said, a look of blankness on her face.  
>"You like English, right?" Ingrid prodded, wishing her best friend could act just a bit more interesting.<br>"Yeah, but I just like to read for fun."  
>Caitlin was one of those types who could read all day, but yet no one considered her a nerd or a bookworm.<br>"Well, you like art." Caitlin was very good at art. Ingrid had always been a bit jealous of how she could take a pencil and paper and in 30 minutes have a beautiful sketch made out.  
>"Yes, I like art."<br>"So art, then," Ingrid encouraged.  
>"Okay."<br>"Maybe you'll have a gallery show."  
>"Or just go to a lot of galleries."<br>"You'll be brilliant," She said, knowing Caitlin had a future, had talent, was beautiful, enjoyed life. Her sun would keep shining, forever. Maybe it would even be brighter without Ingrid. "Maybe you'll be a professor or something, and all your students will have crushes on you." Caitlin smiled, and looked interested now.  
>"What about you?" she asked. Ingrid looked down and shrugged. She knew the true answer, but she couldn't share it with Caitlin.<br>"You know, I'll photograph, travel." She really did love photography. If only she didn't have this dark cloud, if only the sun would shine, that would be what Ingrid would do.  
>"But what about college?" Ingrid knew she wasn't going, but after a short silence she said,<br>"I'll go wherever you go." Caitlin smacked her with the Biology book.  
>"If we even get into college!" she said, smiling. Ingrid laughed, and saw her best friend laugh too. Ingrid's laugh wasn't real, though. It was forced, when all she really wanted was to cry at the moment.<br>"You're gonna be great," Ingrid said. Caitlin was going to be great, but Ingrid wouldn't be around to witness it.

Ingrid got ready to leave. Her backpack was against Caitlin's bed, and as she stuffed her bio shit into her bag, Ingrid slipped her journal under Caitlin's bed. That journal had been the only thing that knew Ingrid's true emotions. Soon, though, she wouldn't have to feel these emotions.

Caitlin stood up, laying her Biology on her table, and stretching. Ingrid hugged her. She wanted to hug her for a long time, never let go, but she couldn't do that. Caitlin would know something was up. Ingrid let go, aware that this was the last time she would ever see her best friend. It broke her heart, even more than it was already broken.  
>Ingrid started to leave the room. She looked back. <strong>This is the last time I will ever see Caitlin, my dear Caitlin. She tried to be a good friend, she just doesn't understand. No one does, it's my fault, not their's<strong>. Ingrid walked down her stairs, and said good-bye to Caitlin's parents,** I will never see them again, either**. They had always been nice.  
>Ingrid walked home slowly. She looked around at all the people, at the houses. Maybe their was a girl, living nearby, that was like her. But that girl would probably be saved, her boy, her knight in shining armor, would save her. He would hold her close, and she would be okay, her cloud would be vanquished. Ingrid wished this would happen to her.<br>**This is a silly dream for me. It isn't going to happen, I'm not going to be saved. This is it, there is nothing for me anymore. The cloud has taken up every last bit of me.** Ingrid's thoughts made her sad, but they were the truth.  
>"How was it, hun?" her mom asked, as Ingrid walked past her small kitchen.<br>"Great," she said, trying to smile. Ingrid hoped her parents would be okay without her. Maybe they would have another child, one better, less of a nuisance. Ingrid wondered what they would name him or her. They had always said that they had been choosing between Ingrid and Samantha. Maybe if they had a little girl, they would name her Samantha. If they had a boy, they would probably name him Jeff. They were always talking about the man, Jeff, that had brought them together.  
>She went into her room. It was the last night she would ever spend in it. All day she had been noticing how she would never do so many things again. She would never be scolded for not eating breakfast, never be on the noisy school bus again, never take school. Never hear the droning of the boring professors, never be praised by her photography teacher, never sit with Caitlin at lunch, looking at <span>him<span>. He, was Jayson. She loved him, so much. He didn't love her, though. Jayson probably never even thought of Ingrid, even though he was on Ingrid's mind constantly.  
>She pulled out her laptop, and logged onto facebook, Ingrid looked through her friends, all 365 of them. Then she updated her status, for the last time.<br>**Be happy that you have good lives. Try to be as happy as you can. Your sun is still shining, don't let the dark cloud come in.**  
>Most likely, no one would read it, because the next thing she did was delete her facebook account. She wouldn't be using it anymore. She deleted everything else she had an account on, then deleted all her files. She had no use for them anymore. The laptop worked so much faster after everything was off of it. Maybe Ingrid's dad would sell it on eBay, and with it, all thoughts of Ingrid. That would probably be best.<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

Part 2

It was 10:00, her parents were going to bed. Ingrid came out of her room and gave them each a big hug, the last hug she would ever give them. She closed their bedroom door, this was most likely the last time she would see them. Ingrid retreated back to her room. She wasn't going to do it until later, because her parents would notice if she did it now.

Now was time for her to just think. She thought about Jayson, she thought about him so much now. She thought about his dark skin, his musclely arms, his dark brown eyes, his laugh, his hair, his legs, his abbs, his white palms. Ingrid wanted him. She wanted him to hold her, to love her, just as she loved him. That was never going to happen though. It made her a little sad to think that she would never see him again, but it would be better than living in a world where he didn't love her.

Ingrid looked at the ceiling. She always looked at the ceiling when she was just lying on her bed, thinking. She thought about everything, Caitlin, Jayson, photography, how her life could be if the cloud would just go away. She wondered about her funeral. Would they cremate her, or bury her? Cremating her would take up less space, but a burial would be kind of a nice way for her to go out.

It was almost time, Ingrid had about another hour. She wondered what she should do now. She looked around her room, it was perfectly clean. She remembered how before, her mom had always been scolding her for not keeping it clean. For the past months however, ever since the sun lost it's brightness for Ingrid, it was never messy. Ingrid no longer did anything childish like leaving her room messy. Everything was automatic now, it was automatic for her to clean, automatic for her to do school, for her to laugh, for her to call someone. She never really did much at her own will anymore.

Ingrid walked through her house for the last time. First the guest room, it was dusty, with the smell a room has when it hasn't been inhabited in a long time. The storage room, she glanced around and all the crap in there. She found a box of toys she had loved when she was younger and hadn't let her parents get rid of. Well, now they would be able to get rid of it. She skipped the bathroom, and went out into the kitchen. Ingrid had never been any good at cooking. She always burned everything, another example of her uselessness. The family room, she was never in there anymore. Now, she spent her time in her room. Every once in a while her parents dragged her in there, to watch some TV show or movie, but her thoughts were never on the movie, they were always on Jayson, or something like that.

Ingrid went back to her room. It was a little after 4:00, it was time. Ingrid opened her dresser drawer and pulled out her knife. She had used it so many times before, she had endless amounts of cuts and gashes she herself had cut. At first it had helped, but now it didn't even hurt enough anymore.

Ingrid went into the bathroom and turned on the water in the tub. She looked at herself in the mirror for the last time, and undressed. She slowly got into the tub. She was going to sit there for a few minutes. She wondered, wondered if anyone would miss her, when they would find her, what they would do, it was all so weird to think about, so Ingrid decided to just get it over with. She picked up her knife, and lifted up her wrist.  
>Ingrid started cutting. At first it didn't even hurt, because she was so used to it now. After it got a little farther it hurt a little bit, but Ingrid didn't cry, at one point she shuddered, but that was all. It hurt, very bad, but Ingrid didn't show it. Then, she switched to the other arm. It was harder this time, because her other wrist was already bleeding and weak. Finally, she had it very close to the tendon. The cut was so deep, it was starting to nauseate her.<br>Her vision went blurry, her breathing was harder, she cut a little more, then dropped her knife into the tub. The water had turned all red, she could barely see, barely breath. This is it. Goodbye, cruel world. And everything went black, the cloud had defeated her. 


End file.
